The Golden Bachelorette Live Chat
The Golden Bachelorette Live Chat
Another classic Little Treats x AGONY HOUR messaround
The beautiful, talented, and perfect Sofi Chavez of Little Treats invited me to do a live chat of The Golden Bachelorette Premiere. Below is our live transcript and some special roses. I’ll be back next week with my usual programming. This post is long so you might want to read it outside of email and in an internet browser.
SC: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH it’s starting!!!
AR: Really high production.
SC: VERY high production value I agree.
AR: Wait, was her man a MOC or a man of spice (Italian).
SC: He does look kinda ethnic. Is “Vassos” ethnic??
AR: Ohhh maybe Google it.
SC: Ok it’s Greek. Yet again, the Golden Bachelor franchise is putting real, deep grief on national television.
AR: That's what this show does best.
SC: Joan said, “My future died with him.” So sad. RIP Mr. Joan Vassos <3
AR: WOOO First limo! Will they make the men scream “JOAN!!!!!”
AR: OKAY FRENCH HOTTIE! Pascal is the first out of the limo!
SC: Okay Lumiere!
AR: The french are really having a moment this summer (olympics, that time my french neighbors asked me to take care of their bunnies, and I went to Paris).
Wow, introducing the next guy with a CROTCH SHOT!!!
SC: NAVY WHITES BABYYYYYYYY. Interestingly, a man named Kim!!!!
AR: I personally have never dated a man in uniform. I don't think I would like it.
SC: I think you can date a man in a USPS uniform.
AR: Ooo, you know I welcome the opportunity.
SC: Kim called Joan “a wonderful gal” – if we were doing Golden Bach bingo, that phrase would be a square.
AR: CHOCK? Surely your mother didn't name you that!
SC: LITERALLY??
AR: Oh he made soup? OHHHHHH, okay Chokin’ Soup instead of Chicken Soup….
SC: That’s stupid. I am curious to see if these men will be boring or not. Cuz the women of Golden Bach were really fun and lively. And so far I'm feeling like these men are snoozers.
AR: I don’t disagree with you. But I will say, what’s nice about the men being older is that none of the men look silly! All are wearing sensible, well fitting, and still interesting suits.
SC:Yes. Even this guy dressed like a magician, it’s like, okay. But most of them are in a nice blue suit.
AR: Blue I think is good for older men because black can look a little too serious unless you have a good tie and good energy!
SC: GARRYYYYYYYYY. WHAAAAT!! Gary looks so fly what the fuck!!
AR: He does. Excellent glasses!
AR: Jack, a man after my own heart. A son of Chicago!
SC: Jack is a working class king – i just don't like this fit (salmon jacket, white pants, white shirt, black loafers lol). But Jack’s singing voice is who Grant thought he was last season with Jenn.
AR: Yes to both. He said Joan is “frickin hot”
SC: FRICKIN HOTTTT. In all seriousness that was the only way any of these men could have said she was hot/ sexy lol
SC: It’s a very White room so far. But wow, the first Asian guy!!!!!
AR: He’s so cute!! I love him!
SC: His daughters are beauuutiful!!
AR: BABY!!!!!! Why is he the cutest, most tender man alive!
SC: I bet his daughters applied for him, I get that vibe
AR: Guy does look like he would be in an ER drama in the 80s - respectfully to that man
SC: Yeah he looks like Reno, Nevada - respectfully
AR: He looks like a man that would have told me “nice tits” in an earnest way …. Disrespectfully
SC: Not Chicago Jack already having unbuttoned his shirt!!!
AR: I love it. TAKE IT OFF!
AR: “He talks like he’s from France and I talk like I’m from south Chicago cause I am” WHAT????
SC: “WE GOT THE FRENCHMAN AND HE TALKS LIKE HE’S FROM FRANCE”
AR: GIL is Mexican for sure
SC: Oh 50000000%1
SC: Okay these guys are turning themselves on
AR: You know I hope the Frenchman and the Chicagoman have a beautiful friendship where they have a little cultural exchange
SC: Not “Girl Dad” being Keith’s occupation
AR: Perfect job for a man. I think I like Keith.
SC: Wait………is Kelsey's dad not here???
AR: He’s in this limo, Kelsey is going to introduce him to Joan.
SC: Oh right! I think Golden Bach realized that sadly the public really doesn’t care about old people (smh). They lucked out getting Kelsey with her Hot Dad Mark bc they do need this continuity for viewership. Yikes.
AR: Ot that’s a good point. They are very lucky because we don't have another man as handsome as Mark.
SC: He’s so bashful.
AR: HIS SMILE!!!
SC: I wonder how many racist pasts are gonna be revealed abt these men, or maybe not bc they don’t have as much as a digital footprint as younger ppl?
AR: Yeah I think it’s exactly that – they are not from a time where you share things online
SC: Pablo looks like a storybook character who’s like an inventor in a small town
AR: Yes. Like a Japetto (is that how you spell that?)
SC: No. You spelled it like Ja Rule – Ja Petto.
I don’t mean this in an ageist way but the men look older than the golden bachelor women looked lol.
AR: They aren’t wearing makeup and they don’t have a skincare routine
SC: I really like that Joan said “maybe it’s naive but I believe we can find love this way” bc that is what you have to buy into about the show.
AR: Completely agree!
AR: So this Frenchman has never been married ….. Is that a red flag at this age?
SC: I think so… also she said she wants a family man. It reminds me of the whole back and forth with Gary and the younger woman he didn’t end up choosing - other than him wanting Theresa’s money, it seemed like he didn’t want to take a risk on someone who hadn’t been married before.
AR: Oh interesting point. I forgot that that was a big thing for him.
SC: Guy had a really interesting convo snippet – “My kids are now having to be parental to me” feels important for men to accept about aging.
AR: As someone who had to care for their dad – I get that.
SC: 1) This guy from Austin looks like a Who from Whoville. 2) THIS is why so many of the dads here have daughters – bc daughters sign up their dads for this show lol.
AR: This dad saying my daughters are mentors to me - that’s really beautiful.
SC: Take a shot every time “girl dad” is said on this show this season.
AR: Lots of chicago representation in the room….perhaps I should move there…
You know why Ilike men from chicago, they have noses of note.
SC: It’s bc Chicago is for ethnic whites.
AR: Yes.
SC: It’s pretty jarring to go from Jenn’s season which had a lot of black and brown guys to this season lol. Yikes.
AR: You know, I hear that AND, I think it’s also fair because at 60 whatever you’re probably not really in the place to think very deeply about an interracial relationship. Like you are either post-race or you’re like “I’ll just stick to what I know.”
AR: I like Bob! He reminds me of that man from Benjamin Button who also got struck by lightning.
SC: I like Bob too, he has a literal twinkle in his eye
AR: Handsome Mark just said “Talking to Joan is like putting on a fresh warm pair of sweats right out of the dryer.” WHAT??? If my man ever said talking to you is like putting on a pair of stretchy warm pants I would die. How is that a nice thing to say?
SC: I don’t like it. He basically said, “She makes my junk feel warm.” Ew! Kelsey, your dad is fired. Also sorry I don’t like this man reciting the poem.
AR: I tuned out. You know I hate male poets.
SC: It’s giving “real eyes realize.”
AR: It’s giving “I’m dumb.”
SC: I wish this show had a call-in feature. So like the viewers give their own first impression rose. In which case we would give it to Chicago Jack
AR: 100%
SC: Also has Frenchie seen this show before cuz he just asked what the first impression rose is
AR: You know what else is nice, all these men have hobbies! They all have activities and a personality!
SC: Ohhh Keith getting frisky! We have our first hand on the knee!! Keith has gotten the closest so far (physically) to Joan.
AR: I know!! I think they could kiss!! (noice) Wait, did you hear that one man saying he would give Chicago Jack the rose because he cooks lol?
SC: I’m telling you these guys (the men) are horny for each other
AR: Chock is handsome in a 1950's way. He looks like a man that would look great in a black and white WWII uniform portrait
SC: Yeah I see what you mean. Chock thinks Ronald Reagan was a great American (probably)
AR: I hate that but I appreciate that he used the word “poised” to describe Joan.
SC: It’s nice that these men are already more specific in their descriptors of Joan than all the men that talked about Jenn last season lol
AR: Men in our age cohort don’t know how to read so they don’t know a lot of words. These men survived the depression – reading was all they had.
SC: [pause for laughs]. The men on Jenn’s season only knew two words, one of which wasn’t even a real word: “Comfortability”
AR: Literally. (except Jonathon, medium king, who knew five words because he did a crossword that one time)
SC: I’m happy for Keith getting the first impression rose. And sweet Bob is genuinely happy for him too.
AR: Honestly I like that all the men shook his hand after.
SC: Yes, that’s a “real man” move.
AR: Oh, they’re showing little video messages from their family!!! Lol Pascal’s son looks like Jon Ralfio
SC: LOOOOOL HE DOESSSSSS!!
AR: This is all very sweet and touching.
SC: The producers did a good job recognizing that we needed more of their families earlier on
AR: Bob’s kid!!!! They look the same!!
SC: LESBIAN DAUGHTERRRRRRR
TWOOO LESBIAN DAUGHTERRRRRRRS. Why is Bob’s daughter a little Bob
AR: Dawg all these men balling their eyes out – I love to see it.
SC: I appreciate Joan giving this speech about love before the Rose Ceremony. And that’s why I love the golden bach franchise is the search for love feels more meaningful. But if Gary and his pocket square go home I’ll throw a chair.
AR: I get that.
SC: Yayyyy King Gary!!!
AR: The sun is rising in the background of the rose ceremony! They have these men up all night – like that is not okay! They are elders.
SC: I know I was gonna say you can tell they’re sleepy guys.
SC: The funniest part of the first few episodes of these seasons is that at least twice an episode they show someone that I swear I have never seen before in my life.
AR: If they send home Chicago Jack I will also be hitting those DMs but for a completely non sexual reason.
SC: Chicago Jack has a face that could launch a thousand memes, there’s no way he’s going anywhere.
SC: I’m very sorry that Pablo/ Geppeddo is going home.
AR: Ohhh that’s how you spell it.
SC: You’re right about the makeup for the women. These men could benefit from some Charlotte Tilbury Flawless Filter.
AR: Yeah, I’m curious to see how they will look as we start to see them go on dates and do little activities and such.
SC: Yeah overall it’s a good start. Only a few clowns were detected and I’m excited for the season :)
Special Roses:
The “You’re a Great Guy, Like Nick Miller” Rose: Chicago Jack
The Cutie Patootie Show Me (Aneliza) That Booty Rose: Charles
The Wish I Could Set Up My Dad On A Friend Date with This Guy Rose: King Gary
The Best Dad of Lesbian Daughters Rose: Jordan and Bob
The So Handsome It’s Kind of Scary, But I Like It Rose: Mark
We had originally written more about Gil but after learning about the restraining order against him we have removed our discussion of him from the transcript.
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